Healing: the process of making or becoming sound or healthy again.
If I were to choose a word for this past year, it would be healing. Part of me cringes when I say the word. Because how do you heal from loss? How do you find healing in such pain and darkness? How do you pick up the shattered pieces of your heart and put it back together?
Healing is a process. And it hurts. Healing is a daily choice of steps towards Jesus and allowing Him to make us whole again.
Three years ago, January 11, 2014, I gave birth to our 5th son, Zion Isaiah. He was born with a fatal diagnosis, Trisomy 18, and given very little hope. But our hope in Jesus brought us all together to celebrate his perfect life here for 10 days. My heart alone could not even contain the depths of God’s love and it spilled into the hearts of many. Forever in our hearts now, Zion, you are more than a memory. You have forever changed our lives.
3 years. I can’t believe Zion would be 3. I said that to my husband and he asked me what our boys were up to when they were three? I said pacifiers and potty training and then we laughed about all of the trouble they got into. We brought up all of the memories and found ourselves wondering what life would have been like with Zion here. It would have been different. And probably hard.
Healing has looked different for me each year and healing is different for each person. Our steps are different patterns, different strides. Some are longer and others shorter. Some of us walk faster than others, and some of us pause along the way to catch our breath. Healing is a choice. It doesn’t just happen on its own. It happens because we allow the process in our lives. And the process is uncomfortable and vulnerable. But when we make the choice to take steps toward Jesus, He meets us along the way. Whatever our stride.
I’m a huge Johnnyswim fan. I’m sure I annoy my family by the amount I play their albums. If there are dishes to do, I’m singing along with my favorite duo. (So that tells you how often!) We saw them in concert a year ago and they are incredible people and artists. During the concert, Abner and Amanda came off stage and into the crowd directly to me. Amanda stopped to take a selfie with me (probably “us” but my world was slightly blinded at the moment), then they proceeded to sing one of our favorite songs right there on the floor with us. I’ve since then pretended we are now best friends. Just kidding. (But maybe not)
One of their new songs came out recently and the words written brought so many tears and dare I say, healing. I love music and many other songs have mended my heart and brought me closer to Jesus, but this past year, this one just cut through.
Let It Matter: Johnnyswim
I don’t want to feel good
I want to feel it hurt like losing someone should
I’m gonna let it burn
I’m gonna stake my claim with the flame I know it hurled
Don’t you know I’ve tried
But escape is a waste ain’t no use in hiding
you know the best way over’s through
So if it matters let it matter
If your heart’s breaking let it ache
Catch those pieces as they scatter
Know your hurt is not in vainDon’t hide yourself from the horror
Hurt today here tomorrow
If it’s fragile and it shatters
Let it matter, let it matter
They say you know it ain’t easy
I wouldn’t want it to be
Cause ease is for the shallow
But we were from the deep
What I found most through these lyrics, was permission to heal. Permission to feel this deep because it matters. Loving deep because Zion is worth it.
We don’t get over loss, we go through it. Healing is a process, and it’s worth it.