I’m giving myself permission today. Permission to feel heartache, but also feel healing. My 5th son, Zion Isaiah, turns 5 today, which means it’s been 5 years without him. His 10 days here on earth were days lived breathing in a miracle and truly learning that life is a gift. That love is the answer. And every life matters, and every day has purpose. These past 5 years have been full of heartache and healing, and today I’m giving myself permission to feel both.
Heartache will last a lifetime. I will always feel that ache, the pain of loss, without my Zion here with me. I will always see my family picture that can only capture 4 of my sons. Answering easy questions of how may kids I have, will always lead to a longer conversation. I will always wonder if he’ll be forgotten as time goes on. I will still get teary eyed when I tell you his story and my heart will break every time I hear of another who knows this pain.
But healing comes in time. And it’s difficult to see time in the moments of grief. Time feels strange because it separates you from the moment your heart broke in two. Grief weighs you down, like you’re bound to a prison of sadness. It’s hard to imagine a life beyond these walls of heartache because the moments of loss are so overwhelming, so consuming, and so important to feel. But in time, with each new day, Jesus gathers every broken piece of your heart and so carefully begins to make you whole again. And time, strengthens your fragile heart.
This past year has been a year of healing. Finding my way and giving myself permission to live. To really live, fully and present. Permission to laugh and look forward to the days ahead. Permission to go after my dreams and be proud of how far I’ve come. Permission to have real joy and peace. Joy and peace that make no sense for where I’ve been, but because of Jesus, grief does not define me. His power to rescue me from the darkness and allow me to live fully in the light…is what defines me.
Happy birthday, my sweet Zion. I love remembering this day when you entered our world. #iheartzion